Using (Healthy) Conflict To Improve Your Relationship

Most people don’t associate conflict with anything good. Some people even do whatever they can to avoid it—especially in relationships. But a relationship without conflict is likely one that is heading for trouble. The healthiest, happiest couples are often the ones who know how to handle conflicts the right way.

Yes, there’s a better way to argue and work through disagreements. When you choose to work on making your conflicts healthier, it can actually improve your relationship rather than harm it.

So, what can you do to make your conflicts with your partner healthier while boosting your relationship in the process? 

Respect Each Other

Before you step into a conflict with your partner (or anyone), you both have to choose to be respectful. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything. It doesn’t mean your emotions won’t try to get in the way. However, it does mean that no matter what is said, you’ll agree to treat your partner with the respect they deserve. Listen to them. Wait before speaking. Don’t interrupt.

Adopting an attitude of respect lets both of you know where you stand before the disagreement even begins. You might be surprised by the powerful impact respect has, especially in an argument or moments of conflict. Taking this attitude reminds you that the relationship is bigger than the conflict. 

Stay Focused on the Present

One of the biggest mistakes couples make when disagreeing is bringing up past hurts. Those tend to sting, especially if you’ve previously told your partner they’re forgiven (or vice versa). Bringing old arguments into a new conversation won’t get you anywhere. It will drag out the existing conflict and turn what might be a small disagreement into a much larger argument. 

Stay focused on the present. Only talk about the issue at hand. If there are other unresolved issues within your relationship, bring them up at a different time and agree to talk about them as a couple. Don’t wait until you’re already in an area of conflict to start bringing up old issues. 

Stay Focused on Specific Behaviors and their Impact

Stay away from “always” and “never” when talking to your partner. These words put people on the defensive. Often, they  either escalate conflicts or people shut down when they hear them. Focus on specific behaviors and how they landed for you. Talk about words or actions and how you felt. (“When x happened, I felt _____”).  Don’t engage in mindreading; the truth is you don’t know what your partner intended by their words of actions. Convey clearly how the words or actions came across for you.  What did the action or words mean to you? How did you feel? Often, our go to  emotion is anger or frustration when our partners don’t behave how we want them to. That’s valid but try to pause and reflect about what’s underneath the anger. Did you feel hurt? Inadequate? Share that feeling with your partner. It’s often easier for our partners to hear our more vulnerable feelings than when we lash out in anger. 

And be open to hearing your partner’s perspective about what they actually meant to say or do. Remember, to be effective in conflict, you need to have a good faith assumption, that your partner cares for the other and wants the best for the other. If each of you has this good faith assumption then it’s easier to view the hurtful behavior as due to misunderstanding or lack of knowledge rather than something your partner did intentionally to hurt you. That’s a big ask, especially when you feel hurt and angry.  But a huge part of making it through tough conflicts with your partner is making a commitment to keeping this mindset. 

Be an Active Listener

In addition to respecting your partner throughout your conversation, make sure you’re truly listening. That requires more than just “hearing” what they have to say. Being an active listener means understanding what they say, too. Look them in the eye, nod, use nonverbal cues to let them know you’re paying attention, and don’t hesitate to ask questions for clarification.  Often, when we listen, we focus a lot on content (you said, you did, this happened, etc.)  and have a hard time hearing the underlying emotions our partner is trying to express. Instead, listen for your partner’s feelings. Listen for what things mean to your partner and how things impact them. Taking this approach will help you truly understand your partner’s perspective. 

When your partner knows you’re truly listening, they’ll be more likely to do the same in return. It’s much easier to resolve a conflict and build intimacy when both of you are willing to understand each other’s needs. 

Remember You’re On the Same Team

Conflicts can threaten to drive a wedge between you and your partner. If you let the conflicts grow, that gap will widen, and you’ll become more disconnected. It will be harder for you both to remember one very important thing—you’re on the same team. You might not agree on everything. Maybe you have different opinions on various subjects. Maybe you disagree on how to accomplish certain tasks. But, at the end of the day, you both want what’s best for your relationship. 

When you keep that in mind, you can approach conflicts differently. You’re less likely to feel “attacked” by what your partner thinks or what they have to say. You’ll even be more willing to work things out together rather than feel like there must be a “winner” each time you disagree.

Conflicts in your relationship don’t have to be a bad thing. When you approach them the right way and resolve to respect each other, there aren’t many things you won’t be able to work out as a team. 

Keep these ideas in mind to make your conflicts healthy.  It may sound strange but conflict is important for a healthy, growing relationship. Conflict  helps you understand your partner better; their needs, desires, and sore spots.  And ultimately this knowledge will strengthen your relationship. 

Chanderbhan Psychological Services

About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas.  To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.