Men and Emotions
Emotions don't discriminate when it comes to men and women, but there are important differences in how they impact men based on their gender roles in society. Early on in life, society hands men a shovel and tells them to bury their emotions six feet under. Biological sex plays an important role as well. With the onset of puberty, the emotional landscape of biological males becomes a complicated mess of societally constructed gender roles and biologically predestined chemistry.
In this post, we’ll zero in on how that impacts the way men experience emotions and where they can struggle.
No Man is an Island
When it comes to sports, literature, and films, we’re surrounded by hyper-machismo images of tough guys who shrug off the worst physical pain imaginable and overcome all odds by sheer will alone. In movies, when a hero’s loved one is killed, we’re taught that grief looks like a killing spree. These portrayals of masculinity reinforce the idea that every man should be an island—even though we know that’s an impossible fantasy.
While society teaches us that men should be an invincible, stoic force of nature, the reality of modern life is different. Men today face a lot of different demands that their fathers and men in other generations didn’t have to face. There’s more pressure on men to be emotionally present fathers and partners, all while balancing demanding jobs in an economic landscape that’s often uncertain.
The hyper-competitive nature of the male gender role in society makes it so much worse. What do you do when you can’t keep up? If you can’t live up to this image of ‘man’ what does that make you? Deeper than, what image of a man are you supposed to be living up to? Are you supposed to be tough and stoic? Or empathetic or sensitive? Often, it seems the demands are contradictory and difficult to balance. These conflicting messages become an added source of pressure and anxiety.
Coping with Cognitive Dissonance
What happens when the reality of men’s lives bumps into society’s fantasy of who they should be? Anxiety and cognitive dissonance. What’s worse, many men don’t know how to make sense of feelings they’ve spent their lives pretending don’t exist. Some men find they’re divorced from themselves and they’re own emotions. If they don’t have the tools to process their emotions, they may turn to destructive coping mechanisms when these emotions bubble up:
Aggression & irritability.
Self-medicating with porn, video games, and substance abuse.
Burying themselves in their work
Desire to isolate from others
Resentment and brooding
Manifesting Physical Symptoms
Often, our bodies tell us the truth about what’s happening emotionally. Some men who struggle to be aware of their emotions will notice physical symptoms in their bodies when they’re struggling with difficult emotions. These emotions might show up some of the following:
Muscle aches and pains
Excessive fatigue
Indigestion and nausea
Recurring migraines and headaches
Sexual performance difficulties
Emotional Isolation
There’s a lot of pressure on men not to show vulnerability, so when you’re struggling with difficult emotions, there may be a tendency to wall up. This can have a negative impact on your relationships. When you’re holding emotions inside, it’s hard for you to connect in an authentic way with your romantic partner and the people you love. You may even notice yourself distancing from your partner and downplaying the depth of your emotional attachment for fear you might look weak if you show emotions. But unprocessed emotions can keep you emotionally isolated, which in turn can lead to loneliness and ultimately depression.
Getting Support
Knowing how to process and release difficult emotions is a skill that has to be learned. Because it’s a skill, it can also be taught. Consider seeking therapy. In therapy, you’ll learn to slow down and recognize your emotions, to view them with more acceptance and as less threatening. You’ll also learn to stop and examine the messages you’ve received about emotions and coping, let go of the messages that aren’t working for you, and develop new ways of understanding yourself and how to cope.
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas. To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.
