How Unmet Childhood Needs Affect Adult Relationships

Ideally, every child would grow up with all of their needs met. We often think of basic needs as physical things — food, water, and shelter. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, these are the most basic, but emotional well-being is also vitally important. And, unfortunately, these needs can be overlooked by caregivers.

When a child’s needs aren’t met, it can lead to attachment issues. Things like neglect, emotional abuse, or other types of childhood trauma can have a lasting effect on a person. An invalidating early environment, that is an environment where a child’s emotions are not heard and treated as important is also very damaging.These are things you’re likely to carry with you into adulthood. 

Even if you’ve tried to ignore or forget about the needs that weren’t met as a child, attachment issues are likely to show up — often in relationships.

Let’s take a closer look at how unmet childhood needs affect adult relationships and what you can do to break free of any negative issues those unmet needs have caused. 

Codependency

One of the biggest problems adults with unmet childhood needs face is the risk of codependency. Relationships do better on equal ground. They’re about give and take. 

People who didn’t have their emotional needs met in childhood might realize that their needs can be met in adult relationships. While that’s exciting and fulfilling, it can also contribute to anxiety. Codependent people often rely on their partners for reassurance, validation, and even a sense of worth. 

It’s difficult for a codependent partner to maintain healthy boundaries. Their lives become about their partner’s needs, and they can lose their identities in the process. This can lead to the partner of the codependent person feeling overwhelmed. Another possibility is that some partners are quick to take advantage of codependent personalities, which can lead to emotionally abusive relationships.

Communication Issues

If no one cared for your emotional needs in childhood, you might not be comfortable opening up about your feelings or communicating effectively with people you’re close to.

Communication is essential for healthy relationships. If you choose to remain closed off because you’re not used to things like active listening or validation, it will create problems.

You might also have a fear of conflict or confrontation. Maybe you are willing to communicate when things are going well, but you worry about expressing your true needs to your partner for fear of judgment or rejection.

Emotions always win, even if you attempt to ignore them. No matter how hard you push them down, they’ll eventually come to the surface. The more willing you are to talk to your partner and realize they want to listen, the stronger your relationship will be.

Problems With Vulnerability

Opening up about your needs and wants also allows you to be vulnerable — another thing unmet childhood needs can make difficult.

People who were ignored by caregivers in childhood might have a hard time with emotional intimacy. But it’s just as important as physical intimacy; in fact, a lack of emotional intimacy can negatively impact physical intimacy. Sharing your feelings with your partner will allow them to truly understand how you’re feeling and what you’re dealing with, strengthening your relationship. Being vulnerable with your partner will also help you understand that not everyone is going to leave you or ignore your emotional needs. It’s a great step in breaking the cycle of attachment issues. 

If you can relate to some of the issues discussed here, one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationship is to get help from a mental health professional. Therapy is a great way to better understand what you went through as a child. You’ll also learn how it’s affecting your relationships now and what you can do to grow in a positive direction. 

Chanderbhan Psychological Services

About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas.  To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.