Why Do Some Red Flags Look Appealing at First?
In the dating world, most people know to stay away from red flags. While no one is perfect, a red flag can be something especially negative that sticks out. Maybe the person you’re with has cycled through relationships quickly. Maybe they have a bunch of excuses for not having money or a job.
There are countless types of red flags, but the consensus remains the same — look out for them.
So, if we all know that red flags are bad, why do some of them look appealing at first? How can something you should stay away from actually be attractive?
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Often, in a new relationship, we get indicators early on about something that a person says or does that doesn’t feel right. Maybe a partner is rude or dismissive to a friend or to a waiter and we get a funny feeling. Or, maybe they run hours late for an event they knew was important to us. Typically, when these things happen in a relationship, we “feel a way” about it but we dismiss it or rationalize it. But those feelings are like a smoke alarm, they’re an indication that something is off. Emotions are a source of information, and while they’re not always correct, we owe it to ourselves to pay attention and examine what those feelings are telling us.
Some people in a relationship can experience selective blindness where they ignore potential risks about a new partner. This often occurs when a relationship moves very quickly. While you might experience butterflies at the start of a new relationship, you shouldn’t allow those warm and excited feelings to be the only source of information. When you focus on those feelings and nothing else, you can blind yourself to certain red flags. Again, emotions are an important source of information but they’re not the only source. Use your head. Take a moment and step back and examine the situation, the facts, what you know and don’t know about the person. Bring your head and your heart online: typically, we make the best decisions this way.
Some people with glaring red flags can be extremely charming. They might have many other positive, appealing, and attractive qualities. Those qualities can easily overshadow the things you know you should run away from.
For example, if someone has controlling behavior but also buys you thoughtful gifts, takes care of you in other ways, and compliments you constantly, you might be more willing to overlook the things that could be scary or dangerous.
The big problem with overlooking red flags because someone has more appealing characteristics is that the high of a new relationship will eventually calm down. When it does, the negative traits will become more apparent and more upsetting to you.
The “bad boy” and “bad girl” trope is a tale as old as time. There are countless movies, books, and songs about people wanting to fix their partners or turn them from bad to good. But it’s not always realistic.
It’s not uncommon to be attracted to someone who might be considered a rebel. We’ve glamorized people like that over the years, but that glamorization is often solely based on physical attraction rather than character.
Thinking that you can change someone or eliminate problematic traits goes beyond wishful thinking. You might see the problems but choose to ignore them because you think that person loves you enough to change.
Some people can change, but it’s usually not because of another person forcing them to. People have to want to change their attitudes and behaviors. If they don’t want to, you can’t force them to.
Whether you’re attracted to the bad guy/girl trope, you think someone is so great that you ignore their red flags, or you think you can change that person, there are plenty of reasons why some red flags might look appealing. Some of them might even be attractive because they challenge you. But don’t let the appeal or excitement of certain red flags draw you into an unhealthy relationship.
The best thing you can do, whether you’re just dating or in a serious relationship, is listen to your instincts. And if you’re struggling with your feelings, consider seeking professional help to learn how to process them.
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas. To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.